February to March: What went wrong?
Earlier in January, I made an unspoken commitment to document lessons from each passing month of the year on this blog. It was a mental note, as I didn’t want to mention it to anyone, fearing that speaking it aloud might jinx its fruition. January’s article went well, with its lessons neatly documented. Then came February, with a paucity of what to write about. It initially bothered me until I subsequently let it go, thinking, ‘No need to force content; after all, who’s eagerly awaiting it?’. Yet, beneath the surface, I knew the truth — I embarked on this journey not for an audience, but as a testament to my own growth, a chronicle of personal evolution. (Had to sneak in some Darwinism lol). I then decided to merge it with March. Now that I think about it, it would feel wholesome if someone loves to read my articles enough to remind me to post for April.
Since it’s been a minute, let’s revisit the events of the previous two months. I am keen about learning new stuff and had documented my quarterly learning goals for the year. I however found myself not doing anything profound to me, procrastinating, and reassuring myself with ‘no pressure’ — a pressure that actually exists. Heavily inspired by Prof. Isa Ali Ibrahim Pantami, I thought i needed to get on my feet and diversify my pursuits.
Prof. Pantami is a remarkable public figure, excelling as both an Islamic scholar, and an IT luminary. His multifaceted brilliance closely aligns with the person I envision myself to become. In my opinion, he epitomizes mastery. His ability to articulate complex topics with precision and still provide extensive evidence off his memory showcases his genius. Over the past two years, I have been captivated by his Islamic lectures and ICT policies, finding his profound wisdom, spontaneity and versatility as an inspiration to cultivate like-virtues. This feeling intensified in the previous two months.
In early February, a significant incident stood out to me which prompted me to reassess my priorities in relationships. My close friend of over 7years threatened to cut me off which knocked me off guard. Initially, I dismissed her concerns as trivial, but upon reflection realized her emotions ran deeper. While I considered myself a low maintenance friend who could go no-contact for a month as long as we do not have much to talk about, she felt neglected because she initiates contact most of the time. Although her feelings were valid, I couldn’t shake the unease — what I thought was a rock-solid bond now felt fragile. It served as a reminder that even the strongest relationships require ongoing watering.
Still in February, someone I thought was a family friend and would show up for me in a heartbeat jolted me back to reality. I needed a word of mouth to get through the next phase of a program, which i assumed would be easy peasy given the recommender was a family friend. However, their outright dismissal met me with a stunned disbelief. It bothered me that this was just a phone call to be made to mention my name that you refuse to? Reality then hit me that nobody owes me anything. In the moment of clarity, I chose to let go & surrendered everything to Allah. It could not get any better than that.
The overarching lesson I gleaned from both months is the importance of prayer and allowing Allah to guide you according to his plans, as he is Al-Musawwir, the best of planners. Ramadan came by beautifully, coinciding with my application process for what I considered to be a golden opportunity. I was happy it was in Ramadan and would include it in all my prayers, including Tahajjud, Sa’at al istijaba and Iftar du’as, optimistic that Allah would grant it to me. Unfortunately, the initially smooth process became increasingly turbulent, leading me to a point of exhaustion. And as much as I had desired it, I made a difficult decision to halt my efforts. I gave up. I also refused to entertain thoughts of ‘what-ifs’. It was fetching too much of my emotions which i despise clinging heavily to. I have entrusted the outcome to Al-Alim, knowing his wisdom surpasses my own.
These days, I find myself grappling with constant worries about ‘WHAT NEXT?’. I was in the car thinking yesterday when my sister joined me — Her presence initially irritated me then I eventually mentioned to her my time-consuming worries. Her advice to abandon my myriad pursuits and focus on my work struck a chord. Often times when you are looking for multiple things simultaneously, you never get to have any. That was exactly what I needed to hear, and it helped streamline my thoughts. At this point, every article I write is inspired by someone. But you get the gist? Lol.
When 2024 started, I had intrinsically thought it would be my annus mirabilis (marvelous year), no doubt, because 2023 was pretty hazy. I am happy to let you know I have taken baby steps and learned a lot in this quarter. From focusing on my cloud computing certifications, perfecting my cloud projects and solutions architecture, and opening up to learning more about blockchain technology (which I had always avoided), to maintaining eye contact and exploring things unrelated to my domain like finance and mentorship. Yes, I now have a mentee. There is much more to share, but for now, I am grateful for the progress made in this quarter and excited for what lies ahead.
Until next time, Have a wonderful Eid.
Love as always,
Benazir
